Panic attack

Everything’s fine.

It’s sudden. It doesn’t happen gradually, it’s nothing and then it’s all encompassing, it’s zero, then it’s a billion, you’re breathing and then you’re choking.

But you do feel it creeping, that familiar feeling that you had forgotten about. It’s bubbling somewhere beneath the surface, and as soon as you realise, all of your senses switch off in a joint effort to combat it. You can’t hear anything around you, you can’t hear anyone talking to you because you’re using all your energy just begging for that feeling to go away before it erupts and forces you to experience it again. People around you will scream at you because you’re not listening to them but it’s because you’re too busy trying to fight it off before it comes.

But of  course, life never happens the way we want it to and suddenly you can’t breathe.

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Vogue Parody: 73 questions with k

I really just be here.. minding my own business, and then I get a notification telling me that Abbie has posted. Excitement, joy, happiness.

Anyway I’m now sat here sneezing and coughing for whatever reason. I don’t recall being exposed to a sick person recently, so I have nobody to be pissed off at, and it’s pissing me off. Wherefore am I sick? From whence did these germs come to terrorise me?

I’m also trying to get my creative juices (ew, vagina) flowing, but my brain is so broken right now that I can’t even chat shit. I’ve seen these Vogue videos (I distinctly remember learning that Bella Hadid is Horse Girl™), and I’ve been pretty mad that I’m not famous, simply for the fact that I wanna be asked all these questions. Lo and behold, I have been tagged and it’s my time to shine.

Whilst you’re here, check out Abbie’s post too if you haven’t already. In an ideal world, anything I’d ever have to read in life would be written by her.

Let’s go.

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Off balance, I need some fixin

‘If you give me a glimmer of hope, you’re in trouble. I take it to the moon.’ – Mike Tyson

Somebody anonymously sent me a message… unfortunately I can’t respond to what anybody sends me on the contact page and I don’t know who it was (I wish I did), but thank you. Ima hope you’re reading this now so this post is for you. I’m glad you asked the question, and thank you for your v nice words. I didn’t answer it before but here we go.

So

Does love define us?

Initially, I would have said no. I wish I could say no. I would have said that it’s impossible and unfair to say that love makes us who we are, because what about people who never feel anything close to love? Are they just yet to be defined as an individual? Have you not lived until you’ve loved? Have I even felt love to be talking about it so confidently? In that respect, I can’t say it defines us. Until we actually feel it. I guess we just don’t know that we’re all walking around as blank canvases until someone comes and splashes red all over it.

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Ridiculous things I’ve heard this Ramadan

Except this time, they’re from Muslims.

We’re halfway through Ramadan and I can’t tell whether it’s going really fast or really slow. It’s harder, I cannot lie. I am but a shell of myself, a zombie going into work with shit skin and minimal words. I see everything 3 seconds after it actually happens.

I think I wrote something last year-ish about questions I’ve heard during Ramadan in general. I’ve grown up since then. I’m older, wiser, angrier. Very impatient. I have no time for ignorance and stupid people, and the more time I spend on twitter, watching the influx of 17-21 year olds spew their bullshit, I’m seeing more ridiculous opinions and lack of education. Lack of self-awareness. Lack of consideration. Kids these days really look for any reason to be offended – it’s like they enjoy the idea of being oppressed, they get a kick out of being controversial for no reason.

I feel like an old angry lady waving her stick around at the children outside for being too loud. But in my old age and wisdom, I’ve also learnt to be much more tolerant. I know, it sounds so ironic given my impatience. But I’m more forgiving, less judgemental; I adopt more of a ‘let people be’ stance. So let people be. Except people who stay stupid things.

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Everything she do is for the media

Unpopular opinion: personality matters more than looks

Unpopular opinion: murder is bad

Unpopular opinion: water is wet

Sorry, just highlighting all the unpopular opinions I’ve seen just to emphasise that what I’m about to bitch about is… apparently an actual unpopular opinion.

Contrary to the beliefs of countless people I’ve had the misfortune of reading about, what you show online is, in fact, a reflection of you.

Of course it fucking is. What you write online, what you post online, what you do online is all you. Of your self, of your behaviour, of your way of thinking, or, if you’re faking it, of your mental age. Particularly in an era where the internet has such a central role in our lives; we are literally the age of the internet… we are the age of meme. We are more ourselves online than we are in real life. We spend so much time on our computers and phones that we’ve been cultivating our online persona, consequently allowing the personality  within our real, material, flesh prisons to remain stagnant. No wonder we all have anxiety now and can only communicate in (obsolete) vine references.

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The clock ticks life away [Hey Assbutt]

I’m trying something new out.

This is a Hey Assbutt, but supercharged.

Contrary to Instagram’s beliefs, I don’t smoke all the time. In fact I hardly ever do, and I always leave at least a few days in between because it fucks with my mood. But whenever I do, I like to smoke alone. It’s my chill time, it’s not a social activity for me. Unless I’m close with you, I probably won’t want to smoke with you. I don’t like doing it in public places, I don’t like doing it prior to a public activity (i.e eating at a restaurant), because the whole point is for me to relax. Smoking and then doing something anxiety inducing defeats the purpose. I usually spend the time listening to music, eating, and then probably napping before I sober up. Sometimes I’ll even write some bullshit, as I have done here; I guess the ‘new’ thing here is bullshitting the high thoughts I have. Right now I wanna bitch about what is probably the most important thing to me: time.

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The prettiest people do the ugliest things

This was a pretty hard post to write.

I’m often berated for my ‘oh well’ attitude. And praised as often as I’m berated. I am absolutely not emotionless… at all. I have all the emotion in the world and I can be a little bitch sometimes, but I can also easily detach from people. This is one of the few posts that I actually had to edit a few times; there were things I wrote on here that became way too personal. Way, way too personal. You could almost have learned a thing or two about me. These are things i had to delete, omit, change up a bit. It got dark, my dudes.

So I’ve gone full Taylor Swift and I’m telling you about 9 songs that I’ve accidentally attached to certain people. Dangerous, I know. I’m not about to expose anyone, though. There are no names, but if the boot fits, wear it. Tag yourself, I’m You x

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We’re all just tryna live comfortable [Hey Assbutt]

Right. So I recently encountered someone who pissed me off with her wrong opinion. I mean.. there are opinions, and there are opinions that are factually wrong. But then there are wrong opinions. Opinions that shouldn’t even be opinions.

I don’t normally hey assbutt about real encounters with real people, but I was ready to box her mentality. This person publicly broadcasted their snarky question of what a man has been doing all his life if he doesn’t have a house to his name by the age of 25. I was pissed.

You there, good sir. You’re 25. What the fuck have you been doing for your whole twenty five years of life, 21 of which have been spent either shitting your pants or being in education?

Ay you man, you’re 25. I don’t CARE that your grandparents weren’t millionaires like mine were, where is your house? I have four, you should at least have one!

Bruvva, we’re the same age, went to the same school, you got better grades than me; how come I’m a CEO with a family now and you’re still at checkouts? We all have the same twenty four hours!

My guy, you’re thirty years old and living on the streets, why don’t you own a house? Must be all the drugs you take!

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Dreamy little bastard, I done ran outta luck

The Ted Bundy Tapes. Trigger warning.

First of all, it’s not scary. You amateurs.

When I was around 16/17, I wrote a paper on serial killers; specifically Richard Ramirez, Ted Bundy, and Jeffrey Dahmer. I researched the hell out of them and serial killers in general; I bought books, read articles, etc. Obviously, when I got a notification about this new show, I was interested. Cautious of it, but interested.

I specifically dropped a subject at school and switched it for a project where I could write about them. They fascinated me – they still do. They fascinate me from a psychological and political perspective. The usual what drives a killer, what drives someone to do something like that, how they might not even have a drive because they might just be psychopaths. It fascinated me how this man could dress up as a clown and torture people and sit on little kids. Or how another could successfully convince the police that the lost, bloody, obviously underage boy was his lover, just so that he could take him back to his apartment, kill, rape, dismember, and eat him (in that order) before dissolving his remains in acid. Amazing. Incredible.

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Don’t owe you shit, bitch leave me alone

I’m going big, suhmadick.

Sometimes you get a little click in your head. Sometimes it’s followed by more clicks. Sometimes it’s a long succession of little clicks, and they happen so rapidly that you think it’s just one big click and you can’t locate the source. So you ignore it. But tonight, I’m gonna tell you that you must absolutely fucking not ignore it.

EDIT: The planned next paragraph has been taken out in light of The Return of Lowkey. I think the fuck YES because the kING IS BACK!!!!!!! I was going to start whinging and telling you about my one weird psychotic episode!! That was a close one. Almost exposed myself. Phew.

Anyway, girls and gays, this post is about what we are absolutely NOT doing in 2019. Or henceforth, or even yesterday, because time is a manmade concept. Continue reading