But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

Shout out to whoever commented on my last post. If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

Yes.

It’s true, unfortunately. But we don’t have to fall in love with you; if we anything you, you can never die. This post isn’t about love. I need a break from that, I gotta come back down to reality for a sec. We don’t have to fall in love with you for your legacy to live on.

If we love you, if we’re in love with you, if we notice you, if we hate you, if we’re slightly annoyed by you, if we met you once, or if we walked past you in Tesco in every single aisle, and then again at the checkouts, and then again when we were leaving the shop, and then we drove past you when leaving the car park, and then we saw you at work the next day and you smiled a little wider. Part of you will live on in something – a title, a character, a metaphor, an idea.

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Writer baby, you could be the quote [Love, pt. 2]

[Shitpost – 4:30am]

They say the only people awake at this hour are the lonely and the loved, but I’m here because my caffeine buzz is wearing off and I wish I was in love. Right now I feel like I am, but with no one in particular, possibly someone who doesn’t exist, and it’s frustrating. Why am I talking about love so much? Everyone around me is getting into relationships, getting married, and, honestly, being single is getting boring real quick. But I also see people getting into the wrong relationships and just generally being unhappy; I’m tryna stress how important a foundation is. No more time wasting. I only want something if it’s real.

My state of mind right now is equivalent to being intoxicated in some way, so it’s about to get real raw and embarrassing. I feel high. I’m also listening to old J Cole and Miguel and I feel like aunt flo is about to visit, so my head is a real shitstorm right now. Soppy bitch mode currently turned on full blast.

The sun’s about to rise and I’m not tiptoeing around my thoughts; when everything is silent and still, we’re forced into introspection, we have to face everything about ourselves head on. It’s painful, it’s liberating, there’s something sublime about it. I’ve dashed anxiety out of the window, focused too much on being happy with myself and, in the process, forgot to really get back into my head. Not trying to fall back into bad habits, but here we are. I got me up all night, down and out with these love songs. Can’t lie, I missed this.

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Something that she ain’t seen yet [Hey Assbutt: Love, pt.1]

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve done a hey assbutt, aka one long bullshit rant. I guess I’ve kind of gotten my shit together in the sense that I don’t have the time to complain anymore, but alas; this part of me will continue to thrive.

Let’s talk about the L word. We all like to think about and not talk about the L word. We all like to talk about and not think about the L word. The L word is a stressful thing. I’m gonna do it.

To avoid confusion, I’m talking about ~romantic~ love. Gonna bump some MJ and begin.

Honestly, what even is love?

Platonic love is simple. One of the strongest feelings ever, because you don’t even have to like the person to love them, to care about them, to want the best for them and to be there for them always.

Romantic love is more annoying, but I haven’t felt it. I once thought I did, but in hindsight, I was terribly, inconceivably, dangerously wrong and it makes me nauseous. I have a good idea of what it is, and I would love to confirm it, but I’m not about to risk my heart for the wrong person. I, too, am cringing at the soppiness of that sentence so I’ll bring it down a notch right about now.

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Let me tell you something [How to genuinely improve your shitty life]

When will someone nominate me for the Worst Blogger award?

The shaytaan really is locked up because I’ve just written a blog post after two months of nothing. Not a single word.

I guess I’m supposed to include an update of my life here, except I’m not going to because when do I ever do that? Also I’m yawning and my eyes hurt and I’m sick. If you want to see me rant, my twitter is available for you to view all the thoughts I could and should have kept to myself. I’m at a weird point in my life, though. Super inspired but super unmotivated. Super happy, but super nonchalant. Super ready to be an adult, but.. yeah. In a weird limbo where the pieces of my puzzle are just hovering above me, waiting for me to give them the go ahead to just drop into place. Not yet tho, I’m not done being a fuck up.

I’m not worried, though. My skin is shit, but I’m not worried. My life isn’t any better on paper at all, but in my head, it’s all rosy. My mental health was suffering last year, and anxiety is now but a distant memory. It’s weird to think that I had a prescription for antidepressants that I, thankfully, didn’t collect. I went to a gig alone. I cut my hair. I give people chances. I now go with my gut instead of overanalysing every little thing. I say yes more. I say no more. I’m a whole other person. And I wanna tell you how I did it, starting with this post.

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No world’s tiniest violin song [Things I don’t fuck with]

Hello, I haven’t posted in almost two months because I am useless. But I’m here now, making a comeback in the most fitting fashion – by complaining.

Let me give you a little update, though, particularly on the little subject  that is my brain. I feel like after making some changes a few months ago (that I may or may not write a post on soon), I’ve become a completely different person. I am so positive, overall a lot happier with myself and life in general and it’s siq. I have adopted the attitude of ‘shit happens, life goes on’, as opposed to my previous ‘pick apart and analyse every single thing that has gone wrong ever, and do this until I go crazy’.

But the only thing is that I’m buzzing with all this positive energy and nobody to share it with. I’m finding myself craving some emotional connection somewhere, not necessarily romantic (and I’m trying to find it over a zoot). More often than not I have this strong desire to just sit and talk. Just talk and listen. Mostly listen. It’s not that myself isn’t enough, it’s that I literally have all this extra happiness going to waste, you know? If I could clone myself, I would. Science side of wordpress, make it happen.

But for now, let me stop being a soppy bitch and bring it back down to reality.  It’s not all rainbows and Nando’s, because shit pisses us all off in real life. I’m gonna tell you mine in the hopes that you never bring them my way, thanks x

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23 things I’ve learned in 23 years

 

I’m so old.

I mean I don’t really care. I feel like I’ve been old for a while now, but it’s so weird finding out that someone is 17 and realising they’re a whole hecking 6 years younger than me. I can’t believe people born in 2000 will be 18 this year, that’s so weird, they’re supposed to be babies??? Now that I’m really rooted in in my 20s, I’m looking at 18 year olds and honestly wondering why they’re all idiots. Was I like that too? Because I hope not. I hear people saying stuff like ‘I’m 32 I’m so old’ and I’m like ??? You’re literally a spring chicken??

I don’t know if I’ve done one of these posts before, which is surprising because I often like to pretend I’m a wise old man who has lived 50 lives. In reality, I don’t have ‘life’ experience, per se. I just like to rant, so here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces can’t deny it can’t pretend that I talk a load of shite.

These past years I, myself, have learnt a few things. I’ve learnt that I CAN socialise. I realise how much of a better person you become after interacting with people from all walks of life. I realised that life is short and we’re all going to die so I don’t worry too much about the future. As long as I’m doing what I want, it can’t go that wrong. I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY GODDAMNIT. And stable. That too. But happy. Let’s begin.

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Got the music in you baby, tell me why [January Playlist]

Here’s another episode of ‘K doesn’t shut the hell up about music, yeah we know it’s a massive part of your life, it’s a massive part of everyones,  you ain’t special.’

Wow, ok. But I did commit to doing a regular monthly playlist, and I will deliver.

Auld Wives – Bear’s Den

Shout out to Wilko for their banging playlist; I heard this song when I was shopping for half price pick & mix (probably).

Just For Now/For You – Tonight Alive

Just for Now is my favourite song on the album and I’m dying to hear it live. I’m having dreams about the sore throat I’ll have the morning after belting it out. For You is one of those songs you don’t really like at the beginning but then you realise that’s it’s chill af and you’re suddenly playing it on loop. It’s so relaxing. Feels like a hot knife in butter.

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I’m on a new wave, it’s getting visceral [8 New Years resolutions]

Haha 

Happy New Year, I say in the middle of January.

I was AWOL for a long, long time. A time in which I rapidly grew, though sadly only in mind, and not in height, but it’s alright because I made up for that by buying platforms in the sales. I suddenly had a bunch of shit to talk about but I realised I can’t really shitpost before talking about the new year because that would be a real debbie-downer way to start 2018 off. So, here I am, telling you that NEW YEAR NEW ME, except not really because I started doing all this in about November last year. You know why? Because I’m a stubborn mule and I didn’t want to say I changed on January 1st.

But anyway, I found these big ass notebooks on the clearance shelf in WHSmith and it really inspired me to get my shit together, especially because, being the hoarder I am, I bought two and had to justify doing so. The first post I wrote was, of course, my new years resolutions – which are different from my 2018 goals, so watch this space. The good thing about these resolutions is that, ignoring the last one, they can be taken on board by pretty much anyone. Hope you consider these cos I’m on the path to complete wellness and hope you can join me on this wild ride xxxxxxxxxx

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Time is slipping by [Goals before the end of 2017]

Hello, it’s been a while, but as you already know I am a pathetic excuse of a blogger so no surprise there. I have also already failed at Blogmas, but also so very expected of me, because I have about 50 half written drafts that I think aren’t good enough, so I abandon them. I am, however, putting a lot of my energy into something SECRET that I CAN’T TELL YOU ABOUT.

What else is new with me? I am currently experiencing my first ever migraine as a result of a huge life decision I’ve made, I finally had my hair trimmed so I no longer rip it out of my head when I sit down (s/o Slop), and I smashed my phone screen because I’m an idiot. I also went the Scandinavian Christmas Market, post pending. But in a nutshell, I’m living both ends of the spectrum and nothing in between. It’s a gamble. Will tomorrow be unbelievably great, or unbelievably shit? Will I ruin my own life again and wallow in self pity, or will my serotonin give me a refreshing slap in the face? Who knows.

But whatever, enough about me. Here are my December goals. Haha, get it? My head hurts.

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Controversial opinon: Religion [Shitpost]

Something this depraved is not a product of a loving god.

I’m gonna talk about religion; not just about my religion specifically, so I don’t want anybody in the comments asking me why I’m not condemning ISIS. That ain’t my job, bish. I’m talking about religion generally: the whole concept of God, of divine books, of the afterlife.

I am struggling with religion.

Haram police, look away, because I’m about to reveal something: sometimes I wish I was Atheist. The complete hecking truth is that sometimes I wish that I could believe in nothing. I wish I believed that once we die, we’re just left to rot in the ground and turn into fertiliser because that makes everything so much easier. But I can’t. I wish I could be left to my own devices and know that everything I’m doing is a product of my own decisions and who I’ve grown into, but I can’t. I know that I’m living based on a book, based on a religion that I so strongly believe in that I couldn’t escape if I wanted to. I so strongly believe in it, yet I don’t follow it completely. I hate feeling like I’m scared to die simply because of what happens afterwards. Death itself doesn’t bother me. I’d have probably killed myself a long time ago if it wasn’t a straight ticket to hell, so I guess I gotta thank religion for that.

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