Discover me discovering you

What is your type? Who do you want to marry? What’s your ideal man?

I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what I do know.

He will have such beauty that I may forget what his face looks like if he ever asks me to draw him, for he will be a walking soul to me. He will be a personality and nothing more, I will forget the notion that other women might look for longer than he is comfortable with because my eyes, my mind is searching for everything inside him that I can’t see. But I will have memorised every line beside his eyes when he laughs, from multiple nights in the past spent wincing, frowning, trying desperately to pull himself together for another day. I will have memorised which strands of his hair stay sticking up when he runs his hands through it in exasperation and how many seconds it takes for his eyes to water up in the cold and I will have memorised the split-second long frown on face as he first opens his eyes to the morning sun, and then me. He will be the words I write, hiding behind every letter and weaving himself into every device I put onto paper. He’ll be the barista with the curl, the smell of hope in the spring, the girl with the dark eyes and the notes being played from the man’s harp at the wedding; soft, flowing, so that it glides around you and encases you in a blanket as light as smoke. And I will hear him laugh at my lame jokes, and one day it will sound foreign to my ears as I finally hear a little bit of his soul escape through his mouth and there is his real, uninhibited laugh, as it happens after telling one of his own lame jokes. He would sooner die than have another woman feel as though she has a fraction on me. He will make me feel beautiful without feeding my ego, feeling free as he makes me want to be completely, utterly devoted to him. He will burn like the sun, yet be as soft and comforting to my eyes so that I could sit in a dark room for the rest of my life with nothing but him glowing beside me.

And if I can’t have him, then I choose to be alone.

– k

Now Playing: Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer


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