A Letter to my daughter

There was a baby on the train, a baby that would not stop crying. People around me were beginning to become frustrated with the child and the mother, but I am no longer annoyed when that happens. My heart becomes so heavy and I suddenly can’t breathe when I think about what I’ll never be able to have, I wish it were me with the crying baby instead. I’d protect you against the sneers of those people, the sounds that tell me you exist and you’re mine would be music to my ears.

You don’t exist and you never will. I think about you all the time and all I want to do is meet you so badly, all I’ve ever dreamed is to know I’m going to watch you grow and get to teach you everything I’ve learnt.  I’ve imagined the first time meeting you, countless times, but it’s not even my excitement upon seeing you that makes me happy. I even know your name. But I will never be able to say it aloud. Here’s what I have to say.

I pray that you have more strength than I ever had. I pray that your head is in the right place and your heart is safe. I pray that your heart is never without love and that you have an unlimited supply of forgiveness. I pray that you see the beauty in the world and you never lose faith. I pray your life is too beautiful to even dream. I pray that you’re so happy that you can’t sleep because you want to feel every minute of your existence, I pray that you suffer only enough hardships to set you straight. Nothing more.

There will be days  where you feel invincible – cherish those days and make them last as long as you can. But don’t let it get to your head – pride is a dangerous thing and you want none of it. Stay humble, always.
There will be days where you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and you wake up crying, but it’s okay. It’s okay to take a day off school because you’re a mess. Whilst I pray for your strength, I hope to God that you don’t spend your life being too strong. I’ve seen the consequences of that and strong women take the hardest hits. Strong women push people away because they never crumble, but when they do they come crashing down and nobody can handle it. Very few people stick around to watch them emerge from the flames and blossom into something much more beautiful. So cry when you need to, argue when you need to, but never keep it bottled. You’ll eventually be left with the ones who matter. But never be afraid to fight for what you love. Don’t listen to what anybody says, always choose your heart over your head. Don’t walk away when the heart is yearning. Or you will be miserable forever.

There will be days where you feel pretty and you won’t want to come home until enough people have seen how perfect your makeup is or how flattering your outfit is. I hope to God you feel like that all the time, I hope to God you surround yourself with people who make you feel like that when you’re sitting at home in your pyjamas. But notice the compliments people give you. There will be people who love your face or your figure. There will be people who love your mind. There will be those who are overjoyed by your happiness and those whose words are dripping with envy. There will be days where you feel ugly, where your hair (or hijab, I hope) won’t co-operate and your skin is terrible. We all have those days, but trust me when I say that nobody is going to pick you out from the crowd for the spot on your forehead. And there may be days where someone makes you feel ugly. You don’t want those people in your life.

There will be friends. Don’t try to make friends with everyone. Be nice, be the girl who is friendly but hard to get close to. Pick the friends with whom you can talk for hours and hours without mentioning somebody else’s name. Discuss your dreams, your ambitions. Discuss what you’re going to do in the future, or what you’re going to have for breakfast tomorrow. Discuss how much you hate your life, discuss how cute that guy is if you must, but never discuss another persons personal life, and never discuss what the hell that girl was wearing yesterday. You don’t know what another person has to deal with and even if it’s your worst enemy, you don’t want to be punished for the sake of talking about them. It’s not worth it. You’re better than that. Never talk about someone behind their back unless you are praising them. And never do a good deed just for the purpose of bragging about it. Never brag. Make your good deeds plentiful, but stay anonymous when you can.

There will be boys. Ignore them. Ignore them until you find one who sets your heart alight from the first word and when you find him, yes, you can marry him. Ignore them until you find the one who has seen every side of you, when you’re angry, hungry, hangry, tired or happy. He will become your best friend. When he has seen every side of you and sticks around, but encourages you to grow as a person (and vice versa), you’ve found the one. When you would go to the ends of the earth just to ensure he is happy, you’ve found the one. When he makes you laugh in a way you’ve only laughed when you were a kid and makes your eyes hurt from smiling so hard when you see him walk into the room, when you can do nothing but lay in his arms and tell him your deepest secrets and fears, you have found the one. Never fight for the fuckboys, but fight for this one. Ignore them until you find the one who makes you feel like the beautiful woman you are. He will hurt you more than anybody else has ever hurt you before. But he will also make you the happiest girl in the world, he’ll make you smile like nobody else ever could, and he will make you feel whole. He will make you look forward to every day. When the distance makes your chest physically burn and you can’t explain the empty feeling in your heart when you’re away from him, it’s homesickness. Because he is home. Don’t let any arguments get you down, don’t listen to the internet. Relationships aren’t perfect, you will fight. You will have some terrible fights, but with the right person, they’re worth it. But if he ever has to choose between you and another girl, run away. Fast.

Lastly, I would pray that you have a daughter so you could teach her everything you know, and I’m glad you’re not real because I would have been a lousy mother anyway and I don’t deserve you at all.

– k.


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