The anti-bucket list

Some of us have bucket lists. I used to have a bucket list – I mean a massive, massive bucket list. There were so many place I wanted to go, so many things I wanted to see and do, and try. And now I can’t remember a single thing that I had on there, probably because – and I know how hard this will be to believe – I was a dreamer once upon a time. Gasp. Yes, I used to spend days dreaming about the future and all the places in the world I wanted to go. I even got really specific like “eat at ____ and then go back to the ____ hotel in ___, _____ before getting ready again to watch ____ in the theatre”

But honestly, I’ve always believed that the best way to get to a know a person is to ask them about what they don’t like. What do you hate, what pisses you off? Anybody can say they want to go skydiving or adopt a child from a third world country. But it takes real thought, passion, and honesty to talk about what you hate.

But I thought I’d try and challenge myself since that’s way too easy; so here’s a list of

15 things I’ve never done and will never do:

1] Go to Paris
I hate France. Fuck France. I went to Calais once and it was shit, like really shit, like Birmingham shit. Except it’s racist too. Give us your croissants and piss off.

2] Heroin
First I was  gonna say meth, but I thought…nah… I probably will. But I’m really funny about needles and things that make you vomit. Hence, I won’t ever go near heroin. Probably.

3] Get drunk
That’s literally never going to happen ever. Alcohol is gross. Drunk people are sloppy and gross. Alcohol kills you and kills other people and why is it still legal again? Oh yeah, capitalism.

4] Purposely kill an animal for no reason
I mean obviously there are cases in which I would kill an animal, for example if I was going to eat it, if I’m putting it out of it’s misery or if it’s about to attack me. But those people who torture animals for no reason? If you gotta do it, do it to a human being, you monster.

5] Drive a BMW
I won’t do it. Step into a BMW and you enter douchebag territory. It will automatically reprogram your brain to make you drive and act like a twat.

6] Bully anybody for no reason
I may hate people (and myself) but I cannot fathom how crap your life must be to purposely hurt a person who has never done anything bad to you or anybody. That is real shitty. But if you deserve it, believe me – I will go HAM and you’ll want to die.

7] Take the motorway between 6am-9am/5pm-7pm
Lol no

8] Post a makeup tutorial
If I ever do this, I will be dead and you will be a hardcore 10 year strong junkie hallucinating  this occurring on a youtube video, when in reality it’s a video of weird/cool Japanese candy that you stumble upon at 3am when you should be working.

9] Eat an eyeball
Or anything like that. I am the pickiest eater in the entire world; I was raised to eat boneless meat and only recently did I begin enjoying chicken on the bone. And any chicken wing aficionado will be appalled at how I eat them. I won’t eat it if its got any fat attached to it. If I eat something and come into contact with gristle, I’ll abandon it. I won’t eat offal. No tripe, no hearts, no tongues. DISGUSTING.

10] Cheat
I can’t fathom how anybody can cheat, and this is actually number one on this list. If you’re in a relationship where you want to cheat, you’re wasting your damn time and you’re also a piece of shit. I wish I could gather all the cheaters in the world and set you on fire because you make me want to shoot myself in the face. And vomit whilst I do it.

11] Talk down to a cleaner
I hate people who talk down to cleaners just because they think they’re above them. I’m nicer to cleaners than I am to any other staff because they ALWAYS do their job and don’t get involved in anybody’s business, about “do you need any help?”. THANK YOU for cleaning what otherwise would be a shithole because people are animals and don’t know how to throw something in the bloody bin.

12] Bungee Jump/skydive
Ah yes. The most common bucket list item. I am the most paranoid person ever. It’s not the actual jump that scares me, it’s the list of things that could go wrong. What if the cord snaps? What if the parachute doesn’t open? What if I hit my head on a rock and die? Or worse – what if I hit my head on a rock and don’t die? What if I don’t hit my head but it head snaps off on impact when the cord tightens? How the hell do you know where the parachute will land you? So many questions, like why do you people do this.

13] Participate in an internet video phenomenon
Remember harlem shake? Bet you’re all embarrassed to have participated in that now? You fucking barbarians.

14] [Omitted]

15] Relax
I can literally only think of one instance in which it would be possible for me to relax. My life, otherwise, is one giant stress bubble. I am a burned out ball of anxiety. Will it change? Possibly. But not right now.


Note: there are like a hundred more things but…for the sake of simplicity.

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