Hey Assbutt: Huggers

You know when you’re with a friend, and she sees one of her friends and goes to hug her and then the friend greets and hugs you too out of propriety?

That’s my worst nightmare. If I don’t know you, DON’T TOUCH ME. If I know you, I’LL DECIDE IF I’M GOING TO HUG YOU OR NOT.  There’s only a couple of people I’ll accept a hug from, and even when I do hug it’s not a proper hug. Just one of those lazy “I’m not actually hugging you but if I put my hand behind your shoulder and move to make it look like I’m half-hugging, it counts”.

You know when you have a guest and apparently it’s rude if you don’t get up and hug the relatives you don’t even know? I’ll stay seated on the sofa thanks, maybe even stand, but a hello will suffice.

But if I don’t know you, don’t touch me. And no, it’s not a germ thing.

It’s even worse when they do the cultural kiss/cheek thing. That’s why I hate weddings. A bunch of older people you don’t know grabbing your face. It’s awkward when everybody knows who you are but you don’t know them. At least, that is what I would say if my life wasn’t the other way around. I prefer that half my family doesn’t even know who we are when they see us, but then it all comes crashing down when they find out and say “OHHHHHHH NO WAY YOU’RE _____’S KIDS NO WAYYYYYYYY WHAT?!!! OH MY GODDD!!!!!!!! WOW!!!”. And then proceed to hug you and kiss you all over your face. Please don’t.

Why is it normal for you to touch someone elses’s face with your face? THAT’S NOT NORMAL. I don’t understand the countries that do the cheek kiss thing with strangers as if its NORMAL.

I’m not rude, I just don’t want to be touched.

Please don’t assume anybody wants your dusty hugs. I don’t like hugs. I don’t like hand shakes. I don’t like physical contact with anybody I don’t or barely know. Just nod in acknowledgement please, because if you go in for a hug I will literally just put my hand up and say hi and you will be embarrassed, I’m sorry.

Some feminist, somewhere in the world, is calling an unsolicited hug ‘rape’. Just remember that.

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