You know what’s shit? When you miss the Optimum Nutrition black Friday deal.
I’m gonna talk about advice-giving. Advising?
I don’t like giving advice. Because a) I don’t care, b) I can’t deal with strangers who cry and c) you won’t listen anyway. This is how the human brain works; people want ‘advice’, but what they’re really looking for is their own opinion wrapped up and fed to them in a caramel latte. I don’t believe in this.
Let me give you a preview of my self-proclaimed world class advice. This sample is relationship heavy because, let’s face it, 90% of people are looking for relationship advice. Here you go, friends.
You’re a whore if you’re uncertain as to whether the guy you’re fucking has a girlfriend or not. No matter how you try to justify the fact that ‘you don’t know’. Also, if you’re ‘in love’ with someone who is taken and you’re endeavouring to break them up so you can have them, you’re also a (man)whore.
If you have a girl who is devoted to you and you’re entertaining a whore, you’re trash and should play on the motorway at 4am when there’s no traffic, so everybody who is on the road drives at 100mph, therefore you will go splat. I sincerely hope she leaves you and breaks you into a million pieces and you’re traumatised for the rest of your life.
If your partner isn’t able to let another person know what’s up and get rid of a ‘friend’ who wants them, they’re desperate to be wanted and they don’t want you. Save yourself the embarrassment and leave, there are plenty of other people who would kill to have you to themselves. You don’t want someone gross that everyone can have.
If you fuck anything that moves, you’re disgusting and you WILL regret it when you’re older and looking for a life partner.
If you, as a female, get drunk and have sex that you regret, I have no sympathy. If you call it rape boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy run as far away from me as you can. You’re an idiot.
Communication is key. You’ve heard it a million times. Tell each other what’s wrong, and what needs to be done to take it away. It’s up to them/you whether they/you want to take it on board.
This one is SO common; If he doesn’t take pictures or show his face, he either has side chicks or he just doesn’t want other girls seeing that he’s with you. Because he wants them to think he’s single or he’s embarrassed of you or he doesn’t want to hurt the girls that want him. I don’t know which one is worse. “I don’t want people in our business”, right? Yeah, it’s bullshit. Soz. No face, no case. Find a man that will take selfies with you and let the world know you’re his, and, more importantly, that he’s yours.
Guys, don’t be annoyed that your girl gushes over you. Instead of telling her to stop posting pictures of you, making you her MCM, talking about you and generally letting the world know about you and how she feels about you, appreciate it. Because when you grow up and realise how it feels to be an adult and sincerely in love, you’ll probably wish you had it back when she stops.
If you want to move forward in your relationship, but she’s on the fence about committing and not giving you a straight answer, WALK AWAY. You have your shit together, don’t let another person hold you back whilst they still have growing up to do.
“Improving” means nothing if it isn’t fast enough. If you’re a (man)whore, and you think you deserve a round of applause for simply only sexting other people instead of fucking them when you have a partner, swallow freshly boiled water.
Nobody cares if you smoke weed, it’s not cool anymore.
If you smoke cigarettes you will get lung/breast/life cancer and die. Don’t breathe near me because you probably stink.
Your friends are a reflection of who you are. If you’re out with your girls and they’re rowdy and loud on the streets, that’s you. If you’re out with your boys and they go around harassing girls, that’s you. If YOU’RE friends with a whore or a cheater or a racist, that means you advocate their behaviour.
Girls, we don’t dress for guys, I very much know that. But when you’re in a relationship – and this goes for both – respect it. Wear makeup, look nice when you’re going out. But don’t go over the top because nobody wants their partner looking extra good when they’re without them. This mostly depends on where you’re going. Like don’t go caked up to a shisha bar when you’re in a relationship. Are you stupid.
Unless it’s 100% definitely yes, it’s no. So say no. Apply this to yourself and to any situation, ever.
Your sexual history does define you. YOU mistakenly thought you could choose to make yourself so used and still have a clean, easy future. Well you can’t. Goodbye.
Whilst we’re on the topic, your past as a whole does define you. You can change it and improve, but unfortunately it doesn’t change that it’s still there. When you’ve found something amazing, it will creep back up on you and BAM ruin what could have been perfect. Should have thought about that. So remember that you’re constantly creating what you’re going to look back on.
Regardless, however, if someone IS trying to change for you, and they are completely different to who they were, acknowledge it. Yes, it’s hard when you’ve had to deal with the shit person and the new person and you have to come to terms with separating them. To them, it’s like you’re punishing them for the actions of someone else. Try to see from the perspective of someone else who didn’t even know that old person existed.
And if you’re the person that changed, try to see it from the perspective of someone who had to live with both people, remembering that you are, biologically and literally, the same person. With the same capabilities.
Girls, give the nerd a chance. He might not be as ‘cool’ as the fuckboy who has girls hovering all around him, but chances are he’ll treat you like you’re the only girl in the world.
If you drink [or drug] and drive even once, I wish the worst punishment on you. You’re scum of the earth and a danger to yourself, your family, to other drivers, to cyclists, to public and private property, to pedestrians, to LITERALLY EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS IN DANGER WHEN YOU DRIVE WHILST INTOXICATED YOU SELFISH PRICK.
Your partner/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend should never have anything confidential between them and a member of the opposite sex that you can’t know about. If they don’t tell you what it is, they value their relationship with the other person than they do yours. If you have to ask more than once, reconsider your position in their life. More than twice, leave. They don’t value you as much as they value their loyalty to the other person. A bit shite but at least you know where you stand.
Best friends of the opposite sex is bullshit. It’s bullshit, not even for the prospect of cheating. If you’re comfortable with the idea of your significant other placing another girl/guy on your level and confiding in them about everything, then you’re not the type of person I want to know.
Sometimes what we do just isn’t enough, and that is a shit thing in life that we have to deal with. We can’t please everybody, so pick a handful that you want to please. But even in that handful, you can’t please them all the time. So in that situation, you please yourself. Because you know what you want, screw the fickle-minded.
If you want to be told only the most brutal and tailored truth, and risk that you’ll probably walk away crying and full of hatred, I may allow you to come to me for advice. If you want to be told rehearsed and overused lines, filtered with sugar and fairies, go far away from me. I don’t live in such a world. And if my advice gets you into shit….
Condemn me. It is of no importance. History will absolve me