Storm

When all the world is going to shit, I mean really shit, I have one way of coping. I’m talking really, really shit. I mean past all the ‘my life is shit‘ kind of shit and into the ‘well, shit‘ kind of shit. I’m talking the kind of shit where you can’t do anything but sit and listen to music and stare at a wall, because laying in bed means you’re alone with your thoughts for too long than you’re comfortable with and soon enough your pillow starts warping into the image of a faceless person. The kinda shit where you don’t even consider self harm because you don’t want attention from anybody and what’s the point in doing it unless you’re actually ready to kill yourself.

So yeah, as you guessed, the coping mechanism is a song. I’m not going to lie, as lame as that sounds, and as much as I wished I had an actual person as my coping mechanism, this song is important to me. It has helped me through many a terrible time and I was thankful for it in the good times. As Bob Ross said, we gotta have a little sadness, right?

Nobody knows about this song. Not a single soul. And that isn’t about to change, at least not for a long time now – I’ll probably take it to the grave with me. I’ll never use a lyric as a blog post title, it is that sacred to me. But, as this is an entire post dedicated to the song, I’ve used one of the words as the title. You’re welcome. I’ve told people what my ‘favourite songs’ are, but never about this. It’s not Belief. It’s not Superheroes. It’s not Grace. I have never even spoken about the fact that such a song exists until now.

I’ve kept it a secret for many years, but I’ve been listening to it on loop for the past month or so. I have honestly been listening to it repeatedly at least 8 times before skipping. Then I come back to it. The only person I was going to reveal this song to was my husband, after we were married and after I was sure he was never going to belittle me for it. Because you never know.. I don’t even know if I would have told my children, to be honest, because I protect this song like it is my own child (*Jean Ralphio voice “Laaaaaame”). I mean I wouldn’t have jumped off a bridge if this song didn’t exist, but I don’t dare to think about how much harder coping would be. It’s a beautiful song, and I’ll never reveal it. I’m not a ‘this band/song saved my life’ type of person, but you don’t know how these things can help a person until you experience it yourself.

It gives me hope that there is a beautiful world out there with beautiful people who want to make other lives that little bit more beautiful. It’s that kind of song where you listen to it and ponder the idea that maybe everything will be okay. It doesn’t make you suddenly think it will, it makes you think that even if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

Yeah I’m a realist and evidently also a hopeless romantic. Probably the first hybrid of such. Lame.

I’m not a terrible person, really. At least not as much as I believed

I wish I could make lives more beautiful, but unfortunately I flinch when someone stands closer than two metres away from me.

But as Audiosoave once said, Be Yourself. RIP Chris Cornell. Inspiration for many, legend to all.

I hate to be a killjoy again but this is something important to me. Please register to vote, there’s only a few days left.  I don’t know if I want to stay in this country anymore, but I’m clinging onto the hope that all young British people will mobilise and vote Labour. It’s better for everyone.

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