I’ll be me [Mental Health – Part 1]

Here’s a long post, read it if you have time. Like 5 minutes, realistically.

Also: If you can figure out what’s written on that notepad, I’ll dedicate a post to you.


What am I doing these days.


First of all, I’m going to try my hardest not to incorporate my infamous self depreciating humour into this post, even though that is my biggest coping mechanism.

These days I’m reading, writing, researching, and listening to a lot of James Bay.

And I’m thinking.

I’m doing a lot of thinking, but I’m also doing a lot of …just … not thinking.

In other words: I’m keeping myself as busy as I can.

I try not to write about mental health, even though I should, because almost every blog I visit has posts about ‘dealing with depression’ or ‘dealing with anxiety’ or just ‘mental health’. And it makes me wonder how many of these people really do suffer from these issues, or if they’re just self diagnosed. As someone who has doctors referring them to therapists and pestering them to take anti-depressants, it’s a bit … I don’t know. Annoying. It’s the reason I don’t enjoy speaking about my own mental health. I think I’m fine, but I’ll never deny that anxiety is my biggest enemy.

But there are people who visit this blog, and I have a duty to help where I can. I don’t talk about this to anybody in real life; tried that once, it was a mistake. Can you believe someone even told me I need to grow up. Amazing. I have counsellors asking me quite seriously if I’m planning on harming myself, giving me numbers to call, and you’re telling me to grow up. Bitch.

No, I don’t plan on topping myself, if you’re wondering.

Statistics show that 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression, but double check that. I have said, many times, that I don’t suffer from depression, but if the doctors say otherwise, then anybody with the same ‘symptoms’ as me could probably benefit from my advice. I don’t know. Maybe ‘depressed’ is just part of my personality, and the medics don’t get that. Maybe they’re too lazy to keep an eye on me and stop me from overdosing on my benzos. Or maybe they genuinely think I am depressed. It’s who I ammmmmmm, just give me my meds and let me be.

So that’s why I’m thinking of doing some ‘mental health’ posts, but I’m going to steer away from regurgitating the same information that everybody else likes to give. Please stop telling people to ‘think positively’ and ‘exercise’ and ‘go for a jog’. Honestly fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck offfffff. This is the type of advice that makes everybody think they have a mental illness, the type of advice that make people think mental illness is something that can just disappear if you try hard enough.

It can’t. And it won’t.

And by giving that shit advice, it will make people feel even worse when they realise it doesn’t work. That advice might be good for people who are in a shit mood, but don’t put it under the headline or tag it with ‘mental illness’. Mental health, sure. But not mental illness.

Nothing works for me: I am hopeless. Literally nothing helps me apart from medication, but that won’t be the case for everyone.

When I say nothing helps me, I don’t mean to say that I suffer all day and every day and that I’m useless. I don’t hiss whenever a stranger speaks to me, I just get nervous and try everything I can to escape their presence. I’m not rude to people, in fact I find myself to be overly polite. I’m not scared to leave the house, on the contrary, I like to go places alone. I don’t like new places or new people, this is true. I am overly paranoid. And it isn’t limited to that. Sometimes I find myself hoping the bus crashes, and various other things like that, that I won’t reveal here. Sometimes. I’ve never admitted that and I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth and I know other people have those thoughts too.

The point is, people can have the same mental issues and have differing symptoms. It’s the unfortunate truth. And stereotyping mentally ill people is harmful for the people who really are suffering, as opposed to the people who want to conform to that stereotype. Yes, one of the biggest pieces of bullshit truths of this era is that everybody WANTS to be mentally ill. Everybody wants to be ‘fucked up’ or ‘crazy’ and will do whatever they can to prove it to people. That’s how you weed out the fakers.

I goddamn pay an extortionate price for my prescriptions, which I need, and that ain’t fun.

One piece of advice I can give: take every bit of help you can. Some people will pretend to help you but won’t really (instead, they’ll infiltrate and learn about all your insecurities and then use them against you. They’ll even call you ‘crazy’ and mean it. It’s horrible but it happens). Like bitch, I already know that.

I feel like when people ‘find out’ or you tell them about a mental issue you have, they pretend to understand but they don’t really. If you’re lucky, there’ll be somebody who will pester you with a strong desire to help you, and help you in every way they can. If you’re not, you’ll have the worst time. Because when the mental ‘disability’ actually shows itself and disrupts ‘normal’ behaviour, the second type of person also shows themselves. This person is surprised and acts like there’s something wrong with you that they didn’t expect. Don’t call me ‘paranoid’. Don’t tell me I’m ‘overreacting’. Don’t tell me I’m ‘fucking psychotic’. I already told you that, you giant fucking turd.

Don’t tell me to drive in rush hour traffic when I already told you I nearly got into an accident and had a panic attack. Don’t tell me ‘just get over it’ when I refuse.

Anyway, I might do a  little mini series, so watch out for a couple more posts about mental health. Bear in mind I only know about GAD and, apparently, depression. I have not suffered from a psychotic illness; I can give limited advice, but not as far as how to personally cope/deal with it.

In the meantime: STOP trying to normalise mental illness.

It’s not normal. It isn’t goddamn normal. Stop romanticising it. Stop trying to normalise it. Stop trying to normalise it. Stop trying to normalise it.

– k.


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