But that doesn’t make it any easier to get through [shitpost]

Hey.

Welcome to my night time, coffee-fuelled shit talking post. I haven’t done one of these in a while, but if you’re new to my blog, know that these are probably the most honest and raw posts I’ll ever write. That’s why they’re rare. Sometimes it’s in the form of poetry, other times, like now, it’s just word vomit. I don’t edit these. It’s the time where I’m wired but also tired, and when I’m listening to my night time songs.

Alright

One weird thing I’ve been called is ‘strong’. Strong because I can let things go, strong because I can stand by my beliefs, strong because I don’t fall for every guy that talks to me. I don’t know. I don’t know if I like being called strong, because there are certain expectations that come with that label. Am I allowed to cry? Am I allowed to fight for a guy who doesn’t give a shit? Am I allowed to have panic attacks? Am I allowed to be too nervous to walk into a crowded place sometimes?

Because I do all of those things too. And sometimes, that label gets in the way.

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8 reasons weed should be legalised

This is something I’m so! Very! Passionate! About. It’s not something I have on my CV under my interests, but I sure as goddamn hell don’t see the problem with including it. Before you make any assumptions, I’m not a stoner. I’m just also not an idiot.

For any potential employers, don’t read this and think I’m a giant drug lord whose life is a mess. Instead, think that I just have common sense and good morals; just because the government profits off your alcohol and cigarette addiction doesn’t mean they’re better than any other drug. It definitely doesn’t make you a saint. It definitely, definitely, doesn’t make you better than someone who writes a post advocating the decriminalisation of marijuana.

I think it’s absurd that ‘going out for drinks’ as part of a work do is normal, but going out to  ‘bun a zoot’ as part of that work do is frowned upon (and illegal). I think it’s even more absurd that you’re probably going to be outcast if you don’t participate in the social drinking! Like me. I also find it quite ironic how people call those who smoke weed occasionally ‘druggies’, but we don’t call the occasional drinker an ‘alcoholic’? Hmm…

The stigma is real. I understand that it really only comes from the fact that weed is illegal and thus demonised; suddenly it has created an atmosphere that links the drug to dodgy street deals and DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND PRISON. That isn’t the case though, is it? We know very well that nobody has died from smoking joints everyday (I’m looking at you, benson & hedges), and nobody has been violently intoxicated and beat somebody up (I’m looking at you, Vodka and beer). You know those people who get blackout drunk but then act disgusted at the thought of weed?????? Yea.

Anyway here are some reasons weed should definitely 100% be legalised.

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Taking off my hijab? [NOT clickbait]

 

I’m taking off my hijab.

 

I don’t know when, but it’s probably definitely happening and sometime very soon. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, I’m just going to do it. And you’ll see me out with my scraggly hair and old highlights because I haven’t had a haircut in five years.

After I speak to my old Quran teacher tho.

I’m gonna make this clear though: I know the hijab is compulsory. And I am still very much Muslim.

I haven’t just decided that it isn’t compulsory anymore. I know it is. But I’m not ready, and for the past couple of years I’ve just been trying to convince myself that I made the right decision. And now I’m finally ready to admit that I’m not happy in it.

Get ready for a long read because apparently I have to EXPLAIN EVERY SINGLE PERSONAL LIFE CHANGING PERSONAL PERSONAL DECISION to everyone.

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We don’t ignite

‘Hmmm,’ she wonders, her fingers hovering over the trackpad of her brand new, photogenic rose gold Macbook. In front of her, to the right, are three pots of succulents, carefully placed next to a photo frame with nothing but the words ‘Carpe Diem’ in a curly font. She studies the mason jar on her left, filled halfway with a strawberry milkshake, carefully mixed to the exact shade of millennial pink, to complement the walls of her room, dotted with various edgy photographs in white frames.

She hesitates as she skims through the tabs open on safari.

‘5 favourite drugstore products’

‘Makeup Revolution: Naked dupe?’

‘Living with anxiety’

’10 Lipsticks every girl needs in her makeup bag’

‘What’s in my handbag?’

‘Screw it,’ she thinks out loud. Oozing with confidence and determination, she clicks on the tab that reads “Write new post”.

10 beauty hacks

She sighs out loud, relief and pride exiting her black-choker adorned throat.


Ahem. Sorry, that was a little rude.

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I’ll be me [Mental Health – Part 1]

Here’s a long post, read it if you have time. Like 5 minutes, realistically.

Also: If you can figure out what’s written on that notepad, I’ll dedicate a post to you.

So.

What am I doing these days.

Well.

First of all, I’m going to try my hardest not to incorporate my infamous self depreciating humour into this post, even though that is my biggest coping mechanism.

These days I’m reading, writing, researching, and listening to a lot of James Bay.

And I’m thinking.

I’m doing a lot of thinking, but I’m also doing a lot of …just … not thinking.

In other words: I’m keeping myself busy.

I try not to write about mental health, even though I should, because almost every blog I visit has posts about ‘dealing with depression’ or ‘dealing with anxiety’ or just ‘mental health’. And it makes me wonder how many of these people really do suffer from these issues, or if they’re just self diagnosed. As someone who has had doctors referring them to therapists and pestering them to take anti-depressants, it’s a bit … I don’t know. Annoying. It’s the reason I don’t enjoy speaking about my own mental health. I’m fine, but I’ll never deny that anxiety is my biggest enemy.

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To do and not to do – Ramadan

I’m salivating in my misery too.

Oh yeah, in said misery, I forgot to say it’s Ramadan…

I’ve noticed a few people have been reading this old Ramadan post that I wrote last year, so I should really come back with another one. The problem is, I don’t really have much to add to that post. So, er… Isn’t it weird and beautiful how the weather suddenly took a turn for the cooler/windier/rainier as soon as Ramadan began?

I do have some questions. Why are girls posting snaps of themselves half naked, and snaps from weeks ago from when they were in the club? Wherefore? I don’t know what guys are doing but I’m guessing taking videos of themselves driving in their car with music on? I say that because girls are doing it and guys are even more douchey.

I digress. I’m supposed to be trying to stay positive.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m very lethargic this year. I’m finding it difficult, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the acceptability of snacking at 1am. Once again, I’m losing muscle and fat in the wrong places.

Anyway enough about me, shut up, here are some dos and don’ts:

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Shoot a hole in the sky [June Journal – top priorities]

9/06/2017

Today’s prompt: Your top priorities

Today is a shit day. So God’s work is here, telling me that my next prompt means I have to focus on my priorities right now. I don’t have the will to write an interesting introduction either, so let’s get straight to it because life is shit, life is shit.

Physical health
I want to get my sleeping pattern back in check, I want to eat properly and I want to train even more and even harder than I used to. Once you’ve passed your teens it is vital to look after your health – you can’t keep staying up late snacking and drinking energy drinks. And once you’ve passed a certain age, your metabolism slows down dramatically and you get fat and lazy. Basically. So why wait for that age to begin (which is harder to do), when you can get the ball rolling years beforehand?

Financial stability
I’m graduating next month. These past two weeks were supposed to be used for writing cover letters and applying for jobs, but Ramadan has me so lethargic and unless you’re looking for a standard part-time job, you need to focus. I haven’t really decided what I’m doing yet. I had to quit my job and I’ve been a student without income for the past few months, which means for the first time ever I am worried about money and will be struggling for fucks fucking sake.  You have bills to pay and no way to pay them. But it was my own fault. Even though I’m in a shit place and I’m months behind, I guess now I have my degree behind me. On the one hand, I want to kickstart a career. But on the bigger hand I don’t want to kickstart a career. I kinda do want a part time job so that I can get some income to pay for my outgoings whilst I work on something I enjoy. A life in an office isn’t something I want. Continue reading

Your best ain’t good enough [June Journal]

8/06/2017

Today’s prompt: Your best qualities

Oh dang. Time to toot my own horn.

Okay

Let’s do this in list form because it feels more uniform and factual and not like I’m trying to show off.

1] I voted labour
I care. Even if I was a millionaire, I would vote labour. Even if I didn’t care about other people, even if I didn’t need the NHS, even if I didn’t want to be heavily taxed in order to help the poor. I would never want a person like Theresa May making the decisions of this country. And I just wanna say, before this list really begins, if Corbyn doesn’t win, I WILL cry myself to sleep tomorrow night.

2] I’m realist
But I can also be a hopeless romantic. I can be positive in the right situations, but overall I’m a realist. That way I’m never too disappointed. I can be passionate but I can also think logically. And I think that’s the best combination to be. I think I give good advice. I give good advice, right?

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You will never love me again

I’m just trying to find a friend that I can kick back with.

Maybe listen to Fleetwood Mac for hours whilst getting shit done. Write music. Sing songs with so much passion at the top of our lungs and convince ourselves we wrote them.

Or take some mescaline (thanks, Kurt) and see who can come up with the wildest stories (whilst listening to Jeff Buckley) and draw. Stare at the ceiling and talk about literally everything. Rant and talk shit about the people we hate. Tell them my struggles and not be judged or ridiculed or ignored. Someone who will be there whether it’s 4pm or 4am.

I want to be high as hell when I tell them something that’s bothering me, and they’ll be high as yike defending me to the death and coming up, in the utmost seriousness, with an elaborate plan to kill whoever pissed me off. And we’ll both believe it’ll happen even though later on we’ll laugh about it. But they weren’t joking and I’d have to stop them from doing something insane.

Reserve Sundays for formula 1, obviously.

It’s me. I’m describing myself.

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Hey Assbutt: Men who tell women how to dress

I want to start this by clarifying that I still don’t identify as a feminist. I don’t agree with so many aspects of modern feminism. I believe a woman can cover up and that it is NOT oppression. In some cases, however, it is. I’m drawing attention to that.

Before I wore the abaya, and even the hijab, someone once tried to convince me that women must cover up because we must be responsible for attracting men. That men and women are inherently different, and that men are more likely to be attracted to physical aspects of a woman than vice versa. Because men are dogs.

The only part of that I agreed to was the fact that we are inherently different, to an extent. And that has largely been the basis for me urging women to continue to be modest for their own sake; men, however, piss me off. Really, I don’t think all men are dogs. I think many men are respectful, particularly in light of how many men support the right of a woman to do whatever the heck she wants. It’s only the mentality of Muslim men that made me think ‘yep. Dogs’. Nonetheless, I agreed to that explanation and kept quiet. Because what could I say? Well today is the day I step up and say that this is fucking bullshit.

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